Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Ornament Swap


So I am new to the blogging world and this is my first blog swap of any kind...  It was awesome.  I was able to connect with two different amazing women, the one I gave to and the one I received from.  First, Cynthia is who I gave to.  It was so neat to read about her desire to travel, love of food, family, fur babies and Disneyland.  Her blog is full of passion and it was great to experience.  I went to three different stores looking for the perfect ornament.  I went back and forth between a couple but her love of the color green swayed me towards a beautiful green ornament with decorative twine.. Check out her blog and the ornament... http://livinginneverland-sandiego.blogspot.com/

Now on to the ornament I received..... My "gifter" was a wonderful woman named Colleen.  After reading her blog I was so inspired!  Colleen endured a hard childhood and rather than let her struggles bring her down, she found strength in God and now mentors children that struggle with the same hardships she encountered in her childhood.  Check her blog out.  It is such an inspiration.. http://www.colleensamantha.org/
So, I was so excited to see what she would pick out for me.. Honestly, however I was nervous (as many of you know) I am a bit of a control freak about (EVERYTHING) my Christmas tree so I was worried about a stranger picking out an ornament for me but she NAILED it!!!

I LOVE snowflakes

I LOVE sparkle


Fits my tree perfectly!

This was a great experience and I hope to do many more swaps!! 

Not only was I able to connect with two amazing women but there were 200 blogs involved in the swap.  I'm still trying to check them all out.  What a great experience.... Thank you
Jessah@ http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/ &
Erin@ http://www.livinginyellow.com/

Crystal Marie~

Monday, October 1, 2012

My past has caught up to me~

Sorry I have  been MIA!!!

Has it really been two months since I've posted??? Ehhhh, where has the time gone.

Synopsis of my time away:

~Got another BFN the day after my dear friends funeral. (Not a good to day the least!)

~Was working like a MAD women.

~Almost had a major breakdown on MULTIPLE occasions.

~Went on vacation with my family for 7 WHOLE days right in the nick of time.

~My sister got engaged on said vacation.

~YEAHHHH something awesome to distract me from my "lack of" baby drama.

~Made a hard decision to go in different route in my journey...  Here's more about that...

So in order to explain my dilemma presently I need to explain my past issues.  As I briefly said in a past post I had an eating disorder for many years of my young life.  I suffered with anorexia but would also purge and take laxatives if I was forced to eat. I abused laxatives for many years so I had to increase the dose nightly for them to work.  At my worst I was up to 65 laxatives a night.  The worst part was I was barely eating enough in the first place so I completely messed up digestive system.  This went on for years.  Every night I would wake up with INTENSE pain.  My poor Mom would wake up to me rolling around on the floor crying.  She had no idea what was wrong with me and of course I didn't tell her.  (Oh my guilt for all I put my parents through.. Sorry Madre and Dad!!)  After finally getting help I stopped all the laxatives but the damage was done.  My digestion and BM's (bowel movements) were no longer working.  At one point I didn't have BM for 3 months!  That was a NIGHTMARE to say the least.  The problem with being in your early 20's and going to the doctor for issues you usually don't have till your 50's is THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

Even though I finally received a colonoscopy they basically said there was still evidence that I was taking laxatives (I had stopped 2 years prior but there was so much damage done it was still apparent, but of course they wouldn't believe me) so the medical advise was, I should stop taking laxatives and with time my digestion/BM's would get better.  Well that was 7 years ago and my issues are not much better.  I have always thought deep down that my "issues" contributed to not being able to get pregnant but I didn't know what I could do about it.  Western medicine just kept telling me to "wait it out", yeah OK I will just keep waiting to have BM's.  That's not uncomfortable or anything. 

After having YEARS of natural cycles and multiple IUI's that ended in BFN's we started talking about IVF.  I never really thought we would have to go this far but we have already spent thousands of dollars on IUI's and I was ready for our odds to go up with IVF.  Problem is IVF=MONEY!!! So the plan was to save save save.  In the mean time I was continuing to see my acupuncturist (Dr. C) and charting my temp's. 

Last month my temps were out of control and I had a talk with Dr. C about what could be going on.  We went into detail about my past history with the anorexia and the laxatives abuse.  He was concerned that I had some major "issues" built up in my intestines and it was causing my digestion to suffer.  It was really nice to hear that someone not only believed me that it was an issue but that he was ready to make a plan to fix it.  BUT...  it was also REALLY scary to think how much damage could really be in there and how long it's going to take to FIX it??  He suggested that we work on getting my digestion and my BM's back on track before we do IVF or even IUI for that matter. 

I left the office feeling validated but sad.  I could no longer be in denial about how much damage I had done.  I couldn't blame the doctors for not fixing me or believing me.  I had to start facing the fact that my actions could have contributed to why I am not a mom.  Of course I have some guilt that I am trying to let go of.  I know there is nothing I can do about it now but it is still so frustrating!  I feel sabotaged by my 13-22 year old self.  I hate that girl right now!  I wish I could lock her in her room and force her to eat!  Even as I write this I can't stop crying. 

As hard as this information was to hear and as much as I am trying to not beat myself up I am happy to have a plan.  A plan of attack!!!!  Dr. C has me on herbs and  I continue to see him weekly for treatment.  Even after one week of the new treatment my temp charts looked better so I am hopeful.  I hate the waiting game and wish we could do IVF tomorrow but not only do I trust that Dr. C's plan is the right one, we also don't have NEAR enough money yet.  So we save, we acupuncture and hopefully we peel back the layers of damage those evil laxatives did to my insides.  We shall see what the future holds...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Busy is Good!!

We had an IUI?? Where was I at?

So last month the TWW (Two week wait) was agonizing!  I read into every little thing my body did (I figured out my intestines move A LOT!).  Last month was also the first cycle I was put on progesterone so I had never felt all the side effects that progesterone causes.  This cycle I was prepared for that so I haven't been reading into every little thing my body does.

Another thing that helped is we were so stinking busy that our IUI's feel like a distant memory.  As I said in my last post my Grandpa passes away when our monitoring began and my salon had a huge event on the day of our first IUI.  Crazy week but it was a great distraction. 

 We have to get pregnant this time because Charlie picked our

His light eyes always make him look like a devil dog.. It's not even RED-eye it's  GREEN-eye

Ok here is the story...

We haven't had the best of luck with our lucky sock choices (Brent is not allowed to pick as he FAILED last month)  so I was re-thinking the whole "lucky socks" thing.  I actually hate wearing socks.  I have a large drawer full of socks because I always think they are so cute but I HATE wearing them.  My feet get claustrophobic what can I say.  Sooooo, I decided...

NO SOCKS= Lucky Cycle??

Friday morning we went in SOCK-LESS and had our first IUI.  Then we went home and our sweet little Charlie comes running to greet us with a pair of my socks in his month.  It was so funny!  I guess I should have asked him sooner HaaHaa!!

Good pick Charlie

Funny thing is these were the socks I wore during "my best" softball game last year but it was also the game I broke my ankle so I went back and forth last cycle about wearing them.  Charlie chose for me this cycle

I wore the "Lucky Socks" that Charlie chose to our second IUI on Saturday.  So we figured we've covered all the bases, socks and sock-less (if only making it work were that easy but every little bit helps, RIGHT??).  Hopefully Charlie isn't sabotaging our baby making because he wants to stay the baby.. hmmmm, I didn't really think of that.  Haahaa~

He's a cute baby that's for sure~

Next distraction.... HAIRWARS

Every year our salon competes in Hairwars, a local hair competition where the last salon standing wins advertising for the business.  It gets really intense.  Every salon comes up with a theme and you not only create some crazy hair but you coordinate the outfits, make-up, music and choreography (I head up the music, choreography and of course styling a couple of models).  We always put a lot of work into our show and every year we get better.  Soon we'll have it down to a science.

We also host a separate fashion show/fund raiser that benefits a local animal sanctuary (we are BIG animal lovers at our salon!!)  We have raffles, silent auctions, food, drinks and fun and all the proceeds go to the foundation. 

This year we decided to host our own HAIRWARS and combined that event with our yearly fund raiser.  We rented out a local country club and invited local salons to compete.  We gathered donations from local businesses and had vendors at the event.  It was a great success.  We definitely learned a lot and will do some tweaking next time to make it even better.  Over all it came down to the fund raiser and we raised OVER $4,000.00!

We donated all the proceeds to HARTSONG RANCH, an animal sanctuary where they believe every life is worth living.  They take in animals that are otherwise un-adoptable and give them a home.  It is an amazing organization to work with and I am so happy we were able to raise so much money for them.  Next year will be even more!!  
(Sorry some of the pics are a little grainy...)

It all started Monday when we did a mock HAIRWARS on the morning news show.  The theme was animals, can you guess what they are??

We did a ZOMBIE theme but it turned into sexy zombies, not scary

It is hard to see the hair detail but everyone looked great

The models were laughing at me bossing them around when I am like a child looking up at them..They are all so TALL

Everyone did a great job, STYLIST and MODELS

Thank goodness it is over and it all came together.  It is always so much work and we threaten to NEVER do it again but then a few months go by, we forget the pain and we start talking about our theme for the next one.  In fact I've already started thinking... Any suggestions???

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Shots anyone??

I want the shot that gets me PREGNANT.. Not tipsy..

So we jumped right into another cycle but this time we went with an injectable cycle.  Gonal-F to be exact.  My nurse coordinator thought we had a "pen" of gonal-f and so she explained how to use that.  I felt super comfortable since my Hubby is a Type-1 Diabetic and he uses an insulin "pen" everyday.  All you do is dial the amount of  of meds you need and inject.  Simple, right? Well the first night we went to take the shot I opened our box and it was a couple vials and a variety of needles.  WHAT?  Where is the pen?  Still I wasn't that worried because Hubby takes "night" insulin that comes in a vial that he has to load in a needle so, he has no problems with this concept.  Our issue however was trying to determine what line to fill the meds to.  It had IU numbers but not on every line and of course not the number we needed.  Now it was getting late and I was supposed to take it at a certain time so I started to stress.  We were both panicking.  I didn't want to get too much, but I definitely wanted to make sure I got enough.  Finally, we came to our senses and divided the two numbers to find out what the number in between the lines was and it was what we needed, 112.5.  So after an eventful start to the shot party we figured it out and it was all downhill from there.

After 10 days of meds we went in for monitoring.  Like I said in my last post, it was some crazy timing with my Grandpa's passing but such is life.  Our first monitoring was the day of the family viewing.  Here is how the day went:

9 am- First monitoring appt... 3 follicles almost ready but not quite.  instructed to do one more dose of gonal-f and come back the next day. 

10 am- First client.  Hubby ran home to get my shot as I had forgotten it at home.

11am- Second client (Grandma, had to get her in to look extra pretty for the funeral)  Went in the back room to take my shot before I started Grams hair and I couldn't get all the medication out of the vial.  Again, panic set in and I started to freak out.  I was so worried the follicles weren't going to grow in time and I was going to mess up the cycle.  Hubby to the rescue (AGAIN).  I called him and told him what was going on and he came down and got all the medication out.  THANK GOODNESS!!  If we would had to open a new vial we would have wasted it.  It only last 30 days after opening so that would have been 600.00+ dollars down the drain. 

12-6 pm- Slammed with clients all day.

4 pm- Got a call from the fertility clinic and my blood test showed my estrogen levels were low so we needed to pick up a prescription for that night.

6 pm- Rushed to pick up Hubby..Rushed to pick up prescription... Rushed to family viewing. 

It was such a mix of emotions.  We are trying to get settled to get ready for the IUI but then I am faced with mourning the loss of my Grandpa.  It was a difficult time to say the least but there was also some comfort being around family and celebrating the life of my Grandpa.  Something about being out of my head and focusing on something other than fertility. 

The next day was our next monitoring and the day of my Grandpa's funeral.  The monitoring went great, 3 follicles.  2 on the right 1 on the left, all 18 mm.  Grandpa's funeral went really well too.  It was a really nice service.  We had lots of laughs and cries.  It was great to be around all my cousins and truly celebrate the life of our grandpa.

The day was not over.  All the cousins went and played games in honor of Grandpa but I had a HUGE salon event the next day and I was in charge of the food.  I conned my family into helping so it was off to my moms to make food for over 200 people.  We were at it till late into the night so our IUI the next morning was not on my mind to say the least. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

On to the Next....

New Outlook~

One of the amazing things about this journey is that you move from emotion to emotion in days, heck minutes.  One day you are mourning the results of a failed cycle and the next day you are shooting yourself up with hormones and trying not to throw things at your hubby.  Well such is my life these days and I am learning to deal with it.  I read an article that was helpful.  It basically said that there is a new study out, it shows that each fertility treatment that you have helps your body prepare for a positive cycle even if you have a negative cycle.  I LOVE this information!!  Whether it is true or not I am holding onto it.  It is so difficult to have a negative cycle in the first place, another month gone by without the joy of parenthood.  Then you add the financial loss and it is just a lot to handle.  This new bit of information gave me a new outlook.  Even if we have a failed cycle we are still working towards the ultimate goal and that failed cycle is still helping my body prepare for a positive cycle.  That's my attitude and I am sticking to it!  (At least today.. The ZB always seems to be lurking close by)

A Piece of my Heart Went to Heaven~

I did have other sad news this week that really brought a lot of emotions out.  My grandpa passed away last Thursday and even though he has been sick for a very long time, it was not welcoming news.  My grandpa suffered from Parkinson's for the last 12 years so he has not been the same grandpa that we were used to. 

The grandpa that would roll us in the pool in Grandma N's wheel chair, jump in to launch us off his shou.lders and then rate our dives off the waterfall

The grandpa that would teach us EVERY card game in the book but NEVER "let" us win.  We had to earn it and it made us all the better for it. 

The jokester that was always playing tricks on people whether he knew they would get mad or not.  He knew they couldn't stay mad for long and he would be ready for the retaliation. 

The hard working Grandpa that would alternate the days grand kids could go to work with him.  I'm sure we were more work than help but he never complained. 

I CHERISH those and so many other memories now more than ever!

One thing that never changed was his devotion to his wife, his family and his faith.  He LOVED and everyone felt it.  I am sad that my future child will never meet my amazing Grandpa on this Earth.  However, I have to believe that he is in Heaven rejoicing with family that have also passed and maybe, just maybe he is with our baby or babies looking down on us, sending us the faith we need to get through this Earthly life. 

You will be MISSED Grandpa but I know you are in a better place with a healthy body again, up to your old tricks I'm sure.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Not my favorite part of the Journey....

The one roller coaster I am SO not into~

I am sorry it has been a while since my last post but I have been trying to keep it together through the roller coaster that is IF.  I should have worked through my emotions by writing a post but every time I sat down to write I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Here's what has been happening~

Even though this is our second IUI this is the first time I was put on the wonderful hormone progesterone.  When I say wonderful I mean the most annoying thing EVER!  Ok that is a little over the top but I for sure dislike it intensely.  For those of you that are unfamiliar with progesterone, it is the hormone that increases after you ovulate.  It supports your lining so that your embryo has a nice thick lining to attach itself to.  At NCFMC (our fertility clinic) they put you on a progesterone suppository just in case you don't naturally produce enough progesterone to support a pregnancy.  Great! I love to have that extra support.  BUT... besides the fact that it is quite annoying to "take" (if you want to call it that, It was messy, lets just leave it at that)I HATE that it gave me every symptom of being prego.  Tender breast, fatigue, even nausea.  It was really hard to stay positive but not get too excited through the 17 days of waiting.  Even though my nurse told me to wait for the blood test I broke down and took a HPT (home pregnancy test) on day 14 and 15.  Both were negative so deep down I knew my blood test was going to be negative as well but I still had that glimmer of hope.  I had always said, once I have tender breast I will KNOW I am pregnant.  I have never had that symptom before "The Devil" so I just knew if i ever had it,  I would be pregnant.  Well, that was before progesterone.


I was fully booked on Friday (the day of the blood test) so my plan was not to find out my results until the end of the day.  I was trying to avoid a breakdown at work.  It's one thing to have an office to cry in but when you have to actually work on people, a breakdown MUST be averted.  All was going according to plan until I received a message from my nurse coordinator stating I must call her back before 4 or I would not be able to talk to her till Monday.  So, reluctantly, I called her while mixing up my clients color and received the sad news.  A BIG FAT NEGATIVE!  It was obviously not the news I was hoping for and getting it at work made it a million times worse.  Thankfully I was working on an amazing client that knew what was going on and was so supportive.  She of course offered to come back another time but I decided to stick it out and finish the day.  So my plan didn't work at all but what plan ever does in this IF journey.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Journey to Date......Chapter Three

Finding  the  ONE~

(F Y I,  I started this before my current post about my IUI so its a little out of sync)
My hubby and I are both self employed so we pay a ridiculous amount of money for our health insurance.  We have Kaiser and after years of self advocating we actually love our doctors. (It took a while believe me!!) As soon as I was diagnosed with P.C.O.S. we knew we were going to need to seek out a RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist).  Kaiser has a fertility clinic and since we have been happy with Kaiser lately, we went there without much question.  I did a little research but everything seemed really positive so we made our appointment.  Well little did we know before we even saw a doctor we had to take a class on infertility, then came the testing and finally the doctors appt.  Thankfully, all our tests come back normal, including my "Dye Test" (a real fun test where they shoot dye through your Fallopian Tubes and then X-Ray at the same time to ensure there are no blocked tubes) and my Hubby's S.A. (Sperm Analysis).  Our next step was the appt with the doctor.  We found out at the class that even though we pay a crap-load for our health care, we had ZERO fertility coverage.  I even called and asked if we could pay more a month to add fertility coverage but nope!  Only if we are under a group plan (another downside of being self-employed).  So we prepared for our first visit that was going to cost us at least $700.00 for a pelvic ultra-sound and a clomid visit.  CRAZY!  I had heard from friends and clients that their doctors just gave them clomid during a regular checkup.  Why was it $700.00 for us?  WHATEVER (still a bit bitter on that subject and I think the ZB is making an appearance tonight).  Anyway, we tried a clomid cycle without an IUI and it was a no go.  Next Clomid with IUI... NOPE!  The next cycle I went in and my ovaries were covered in cysts.... DUMB!  However, I guess it was a good month to skip because we ended up buying a house and we needed every last penny in our account.  The next two months were a bust because of misinformation from the Kaiser Fertility Clinic.  After the cyst were found I called and asked if there was anything different we needed to do the next month to start injectables.  The nurse said, "no nothing at all, just call on the first day of your cycle like normal."  Well, I call the next cycle and was informed we had to take a shot class first.  REALLY, you couldn't tell me that when I called 3 weeks ago?  So that month was a bust because of misinformation.  A similar situation happened the next month and I was starting to get REAL irritated.

The time away from the Kaiser clinic gave me time to really think about this process I was going through.  I was starting to become so bitter.  I would explode at my Hubby for no reason and I couldn't look at a baby without crying.  It was time to reach out for some help.  A dear friend of mine had been telling me about a fertility group that she felt could really help me.  She had been in the group for years and even though she was blessed with a beautiful baby boy (after a very long journey) she was still very involved in helping others dealing with infertility.  She also mentioned I should try acupuncture.  One night, after throwing a box of ovulation predictor kits against the wall and almost physically hitting my Hubby I thought, "what could it hurt, I obviously need SOMETHING!"  Best decision I have made in a long time.  The support I have received has been amazing and my acupuncturist is AMAZING.  Both are keeping my emotions at bay, well for the most part, and I have met some incredibly strong, awesome women.  I am so grateful and wish I would have reached out earlier.  

After hearing from, not only a couple of friends, but from some of the girls in the support group talk so positively about Northern California Fertility Medical Center (N.C.F.M.C. or NorCal) I went ahead and checked them out.  Turns out not only were they cheaper (by half) but I loved that they are such a small group of doctors.  At Kaiser we felt like a number, like we had to ask all the questions and it cost us precious months and cycles.  When I found out you were assigned a "Nursing Coordinator" who walked you through the process I was sold.  We called and made an appointment right away.  We had to wait three months for that appt. but it was worth it.  The doctor was very informative and explained step by step what he was doing.  It was so refreshing.  After some repeat testing, that came out slightly elevated, but nothing the Doc is worried about (I hope that's true) we have made it to our present situation.  I was ready to move on to injectables only but our Doctor and my Hubby thought we should give NorCal a chance to do a Clomid IUI cycle with the increased dose of the Clomid.  So here we are,  hoping for the best, planning for the worst.  

Thanks for reading my story.  It really helps to get it out and I hope it can help you in some way.  

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

It's better to be LUCKY then GOOD~

~Not only a SMILEY but an IUI to boot~

So after my depression that I wasn't getting a "smiley" on my OPT I started to get so stressed.  I kept thinking; Did I miss it, Should I have started testing earlier in the week, Was I going to ovulate at all?  I tested 3 more times to no avail.  The circle was still empty inside.  We had an appt on Monday and I was preparing myself for a flopped cycle when I did my final OPT.  My heart skipped a beat when that smile popped up.  I couldn't believe it,  I had to test again, unfortunately I was all out of pee so I had to trust the first test.  YEAHHHHHH  finally!!

So, heading into our appt I was all giddy until I was on the table.  A rush of anxiety came over me.  What if I didn't develop a large enough follicle or what if I didn't produce a follicle at all?  Right at that moment it was like my Hubby read my mind.  He said, "Man this process is so hard on you ladies.  You go from good news, to no news, to bad news.  Such an emotional roller-coaster.  I am so sorry Hun."  It was so true, I walked into the office on top of the world and now I was low again.  Thankfully, this month there was a happy ending (so far).  Dr. A came in, did my ultrasound and what did she find??  FOLLICLES!  Big ones.  My body had not let me down this month and the nightmare of the Zombie Bitch was worth it (again, so far).  

So after a shot in the booty we were sent home till the morning.  That's where the "lucky" comes into my story.  I figured a little superstition couldn't hurt (hey I'm doing everything else) so I wore my lucky softball socks.  Picking the socks was the hardest decision yet.  My best softball game last year was also the game I broke my ankle. Is that good or bad?  I fretted about this for weeks now and couldn't make up my mind so finally, I just let my Hubby choose his favorite.  I figure at least if this IUI doesn't work I can blame Him and HIS sock choice HaaHaa HeeHee (a little ZB may still be lingering).  Now we are officially starting the dreaded two week wait.  Here we go.~

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Can I get a smiley face PLEASE~

I officially HATE taking OPT's (ovulation predictor test).  I am already a mess from the CLOMID MONSTER and then I have to feel like even more of a failure every day I pee on that stupid stick!  I remember the first time I saw a "smiley face" on a digital OPT, you would have thought I'd won the lottery (or got a positive pregnancy test)  It was my first and last time and I LONG to see that smiley face again.  See, with this particular test after you pee on the stick the digital screen either shows you a empty circle or a circle with a smile in it.  How mean you are "Clear Blue Easy," oh but how fitting, no ovulation empty inside. Ovulation, all smiles.  Thankfully, I only have one more day of testing and no matter the outcome we truck ourselves down to the fertility clinic.  Hopefully the ultrasound will not leave me feeling like a failure.

Can I get one of these PLEASE

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Break from the story for the CLOMID MONSTER


Well I don't know if it's a good thing that this round of clomid is making me turn into a ZOMBIE BITCH or not but boy oh boy what a ride this last week had been.  People always said, "Oh your going on clomid, good luck", "I am not going near you for a while",  "I feel so bad for your husband".  My response was, "Oh it wasn't that bad, I felt fine.  Well not this time!!!  The first couple of days I was okay, just a space cadet.  I forgot my keys, my phone, I would have forgot my head if it wasn't attached.  Then the ZOMBIE BITCH (which from here on out I will refer to as ZB) came out.  I couldn't form sentences, all I wanted to do was lay in bed.  I felt SOOO overwhelmed.  My poor Hubby, of course got the brunt.  He asked if I could bring him his coffee and I flipped out.  I screamed that I couldn't handle it and he was asking too much of me.  WOW, what a crazy lady!  After screaming,  I threw an extension cord at his head, like a 3 year old and ran in the bedroom to cry.  What was taking over my body?  This was not me!!  Thankfully,  my amazing Hubby just apologized and hugged me.  He deserves a medal.  He apologized for asking me to bring him his drink, what a saint!  Thank goodness it was the weekend when the ZB was at it's height.  I don't think I could have dealt with clients on this junk.

Luckily, I spent the weekend with my Sister getting pampered for her birthday (I love when I get to enjoy the birthday present along with the BDAY girl).  We started the day with Honey-dips (an amazing spa service EVERYONE must try) and shampoo blow-dries.  Our blow-dries were quite interesting, in a bad way (being hairdressers I guess we are a little more picky) but we got a good laugh about it.  Basically, my Sister's hair/bangs were totally 90's out and my hair was a flat frizzy mess.  Next time we will skip the shampoo blow-dry unless it's someone we trust!  Next stop was a fun day in Old Sac.  I was able to distract my mind enough to enjoy the day.  Thank you Sister for helping me get through it, I love you so much.  I  don't know how I would deal with any of this without my Hubby and Family!   I am so blessed in so many ways and feel guilty being so sad because we can't  have a child.  I have to remember I am blessed and I need to focus on those blessings more.  BUTTTTT, can we please have a baby too!!!! :) 

I think the ZB is at bay (for now) so we are just focused on our IUI coming up.  Fingers crossed and hopefully we didn't go through the hell in vain.   

Friday, June 1, 2012

My Journey to Date......Chapter Two


WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY?  My mom warned me that I would have some cramping during my period but there was no warning that I would; Have so much pain I can barely stand, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, painful urination, fatigue, severe blood clots and did I mention PAIN!  Something was not right so off to the doctor we went.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis and even at a young age I knew  what affect that DEVIL disease had on the ability to have children.  A dear family member suffered with the same disease and I watched her month after month struggle to get pregnant.  Months turned into years and sadly, her story ended in a hysterectomy with no child in sight.  Deep down I just knew I was going to have a hard time conceiving, so much so that when I met my now Hubby I actually asked him if he would be open to infertility treatments.  Of course he thought I was crazy and assured me that we would be fine.  I started to believe him after awhile and I thought, "maybe we will be fine, I'm just being paranoid."  However,  just to be safe I never used any sort of birth-control.  Years went by and it became apparent that I was right.  My poor Husband, he hadn't realized (YET) that I was always right--wink wink-- unfortunately, I was right in this case, the one time I would give anything to be WRONG.  After years of trying on our own, including daily temperature monitoring and many OPK (ovulation predictor kits) tests, I suddenly gain an enormous amount of weight.  I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was wrong.  Most doctors told me that I just needed to workout and eat less, are you kidding me?  I work out 5-6 days a week and definitely don't eat enough to spontaneously gain 70 pounds.  I actually had a doctor use his fingers to simulate walking and say, "It is quite simple to lose weight, all you have to do it eat less and take a little walk".  Again, ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?  I went to the doctor in the first place because I had been bleeding for weeks and was concerned something serious was going on.  He never talked about what could be wrong, what other symptoms I was having, nothing.  He just told me my weight was affecting my periods.  I left the office feeling horrible about myself and not one question was answered about why I was bleeding.  As a women and a past anorexic, (That's a whole other story!) It was so hard to be judged on my weight, especially when I thought I was doing everything in my power to lose weight.  3 years and many sad, sleepless nights passed until we found the answer.... P.C.O.S (Poly-cystic-ovary syndrome)--- Whomp Whaaah--.. REALLY another obstacle in my baby making journey??  After shedding some crazy tears, it was time we sought help from a RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist).  

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My Journey to Date......Chapter One

WOW, where to begin.  I guess I will just start with the facts..

~I've been married for 7 1/2 years to an amazing man.

~We have been trying to add to our family for most of those years.

~I have suffered in silence for WAY to long.

~I am finally ready to go public and BLOG about my journey.

~CHAPTER ONE~ A Dream is Born

May 31st 1986, my dream began when my dear little sister was born.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  My grandma took me to the gift shop to buy her a gift, a big stuffed big bird was my pick.  I walked into the recovery room and saw my mom, hooked up to crazy needles and tubes that were attached up to a loud, beeping machine.  She called me over, assuring me she was okay and it was okay to come see her and the baby.  I remember that moment so vividly, the awe I felt about my baby sister and how beautiful my mom looked feeding her from her own body.  I was hooked, I couldn't wait till that was ME in the hospital bed feeding MY baby, tubes, needles and all.  I must have looked scared because everyone kept telling me it was okay, mommy was okay.  What no one realized was, I was not disturbed by the scene--my mom looked more beautiful than ever-- I was dreaming of the day I would be a mommy.  One day I would sit in a hospital bed, give life to a beautiful child and feed them from my breast.  What an awesome day that was.

Two other siblings were born and every hospital visit I had the same feeling, the same longing to be a mommy.  I played the role at home, helping my mom often with my siblings.  Even teaching one of them to call me mom while my parents were on vacation.  Of course I didn't realize how hard it really is to get prego--except for crackheads, 15 year olds and every other women BESIDES ME on the planet!!-- Of course I know that's not true but it sure feels like it and that is why I needed to share my story.