Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Life always gets in the way

Hey Ohhhhhh~

      Well we have been on break from treatments for a while now and it SUCKS for lack of a better word.  We are saving for IVF and all the while I have been good with it but my Hubby is a little stressed to spend so much money for something that should be a natural gift.  I have always thought, it's just money, who cares but then my Hubby's stress made me think... YEAH what the HELL.... We work our butts off, pay our bills, taxes, etc and we have to pay thousands of dollars to have a baby when a irresponsible girl (I really want to say crack whore but i'm trying to contain myself) gets pregnant?  Money is just money to me, I don't care.  As long as I have my family and we can live comfortably I am happy but when I start to think that I could use that money we save to better our family and some irresponsible drug addict just gets pregnant to go on welfare, I start to get bitter!!

      I truly have faith that we go through our trials for a reason and I am trying to stay strong but it has been a rough year (or 8 years).  About 3 weeks ago I tore my MCL in my left knee.  So far, luckily, I have not had to have surgery.  Because I'm having to take time off work here and there, we will definitely have to dip into our IVF funds we have saved.  I went through some rough thoughts but then I came across these family pictures....

It was my sister's BIRTHDAY and I put together a collection of pictures to celebrate her day.  Every sibling that was born I remember thinking, I cannot WAIT to do this.  Be pregnant... Be a mom.  What an amazing gift it is to be a mom!  I also came across my childhood diary and I found that I wrote about Alexie before she was born.  I said.. " I can't wait til Mom has the baby.  I can't wait to see what it's going to be.  I want to video the birth so I can know first and see how the baby comes out.  Whatever it is I can't wait to meet it." I couldn't believe I wrote this at such a young age.  I have wanted to be a mom for so long. It's not even just my memory but I actually wrote all about it in my diary.

From the moment my first sibling was born I couldn't wait to be pregnant, give birth. breast feed, and raise the miracle that a child is.  I have a friend that said "God would not give you those desires if He wasn't going to bless you with those experiences."  I hold on to that thought everyday! I can't wait for the day that I can experience those amazing things.  I try my hardest not to get bitter towards women who don't care about any of these experiences and are those who get to have babies.  I hold onto the fact that I will fight tooth and nail for the beautiful baby that will bless us one day.