My past has caught up to me~

Sorry I have  been MIA!!!

Has it really been two months since I've posted??? Ehhhh, where has the time gone.

Synopsis of my time away:


~Got another BFN the day after my dear friends funeral. (Not a good to day the least!)

~Was working like a MAD women.

~Almost had a major breakdown on MULTIPLE occasions.

~Went on vacation with my family for 7 WHOLE days right in the nick of time.

~My sister got engaged on said vacation.

~YEAHHHH something awesome to distract me from my "lack of" baby drama.

~Made a hard decision to go in different route in my journey...  Here's more about that...

So in order to explain my dilemma presently I need to explain my past issues.  As I briefly said in a past post I had an eating disorder for many years of my young life.  I suffered with anorexia but would also purge and take laxatives if I was forced to eat. I abused laxatives for many years so I had to increase the dose nightly for them to work.  At my worst I was up to 65 laxatives a night.  The worst part was I was barely eating enough in the first place so I completely messed up digestive system.  This went on for years.  Every night I would wake up with INTENSE pain.  My poor Mom would wake up to me rolling around on the floor crying.  She had no idea what was wrong with me and of course I didn't tell her.  (Oh my guilt for all I put my parents through.. Sorry Madre and Dad!!)  After finally getting help I stopped all the laxatives but the damage was done.  My digestion and BM's (bowel movements) were no longer working.  At one point I didn't have BM for 3 months!  That was a NIGHTMARE to say the least.  The problem with being in your early 20's and going to the doctor for issues you usually don't have till your 50's is THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

Even though I finally received a colonoscopy they basically said there was still evidence that I was taking laxatives (I had stopped 2 years prior but there was so much damage done it was still apparent, but of course they wouldn't believe me) so the medical advise was, I should stop taking laxatives and with time my digestion/BM's would get better.  Well that was 7 years ago and my issues are not much better.  I have always thought deep down that my "issues" contributed to not being able to get pregnant but I didn't know what I could do about it.  Western medicine just kept telling me to "wait it out", yeah OK I will just keep waiting to have BM's.  That's not uncomfortable or anything. 

After having YEARS of natural cycles and multiple IUI's that ended in BFN's we started talking about IVF.  I never really thought we would have to go this far but we have already spent thousands of dollars on IUI's and I was ready for our odds to go up with IVF.  Problem is IVF=MONEY!!! So the plan was to save save save.  In the mean time I was continuing to see my acupuncturist (Dr. C) and charting my temp's. 

Last month my temps were out of control and I had a talk with Dr. C about what could be going on.  We went into detail about my past history with the anorexia and the laxatives abuse.  He was concerned that I had some major "issues" built up in my intestines and it was causing my digestion to suffer.  It was really nice to hear that someone not only believed me that it was an issue but that he was ready to make a plan to fix it.  BUT...  it was also REALLY scary to think how much damage could really be in there and how long it's going to take to FIX it??  He suggested that we work on getting my digestion and my BM's back on track before we do IVF or even IUI for that matter. 

I left the office feeling validated but sad.  I could no longer be in denial about how much damage I had done.  I couldn't blame the doctors for not fixing me or believing me.  I had to start facing the fact that my actions could have contributed to why I am not a mom.  Of course I have some guilt that I am trying to let go of.  I know there is nothing I can do about it now but it is still so frustrating!  I feel sabotaged by my 13-22 year old self.  I hate that girl right now!  I wish I could lock her in her room and force her to eat!  Even as I write this I can't stop crying. 

As hard as this information was to hear and as much as I am trying to not beat myself up I am happy to have a plan.  A plan of attack!!!!  Dr. C has me on herbs and  I continue to see him weekly for treatment.  Even after one week of the new treatment my temp charts looked better so I am hopeful.  I hate the waiting game and wish we could do IVF tomorrow but not only do I trust that Dr. C's plan is the right one, we also don't have NEAR enough money yet.  So we save, we acupuncture and hopefully we peel back the layers of damage those evil laxatives did to my insides.  We shall see what the future holds...