My Journey to Date......Chapter Three

Finding  the  ONE~

(F Y I,  I started this before my current post about my IUI so its a little out of sync)

My hubby and I are both self employed so we pay a ridiculous amount of money for our health insurance.  We have Kaiser and after years of self advocating we actually love our doctors. (It took a while believe me!!) As soon as I was diagnosed with P.C.O.S. we knew we were going to need to seek out a RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist).  Kaiser has a fertility clinic and since we have been happy with Kaiser lately, we went there without much question.  I did a little research but everything seemed really positive so we made our appointment.  Well little did we know before we even saw a doctor we had to take a class on infertility, then came the testing and finally the doctors appt.  Thankfully, all our tests come back normal, including my "Dye Test" (a real fun test where they shoot dye through your Fallopian Tubes and then X-Ray at the same time to ensure there are no blocked tubes) and my Hubby's S.A. (Sperm Analysis).  Our next step was the appt with the doctor.  We found out at the class that even though we pay a crap-load for our health care, we had ZERO fertility coverage.  I even called and asked if we could pay more a month to add fertility coverage but nope!  Only if we are under a group plan (another downside of being self-employed).  So we prepared for our first visit that was going to cost us at least $700.00 for a pelvic ultra-sound and a clomid visit.  CRAZY!  I had heard from friends and clients that their doctors just gave them clomid during a regular checkup.  Why was it $700.00 for us?  WHATEVER (still a bit bitter on that subject and I think the ZB is making an appearance tonight).  Anyway, we tried a clomid cycle without an IUI and it was a no go.  Next Clomid with IUI... NOPE!  The next cycle I went in and my ovaries were covered in cysts.... DUMB!  However, I guess it was a good month to skip because we ended up buying a house and we needed every last penny in our account.  The next two months were a bust because of misinformation from the Kaiser Fertility Clinic.  After the cyst were found I called and asked if there was anything different we needed to do the next month to start injectables.  The nurse said, "no nothing at all, just call on the first day of your cycle like normal."  Well, I call the next cycle and was informed we had to take a shot class first.  REALLY, you couldn't tell me that when I called 3 weeks ago?  So that month was a bust because of misinformation.  A similar situation happened the next month and I was starting to get REAL irritated.

The time away from the Kaiser clinic gave me time to really think about this process I was going through.  I was starting to become so bitter.  I would explode at my Hubby for no reason and I couldn't look at a baby without crying.  It was time to reach out for some help.  A dear friend of mine had been telling me about a fertility group that she felt could really help me.  She had been in the group for years and even though she was blessed with a beautiful baby boy (after a very long journey) she was still very involved in helping others dealing with infertility.  She also mentioned I should try acupuncture.  One night, after throwing a box of ovulation predictor kits against the wall and almost physically hitting my Hubby I thought, "what could it hurt, I obviously need SOMETHING!"  Best decision I have made in a long time.  The support I have received has been amazing and my acupuncturist is AMAZING.  Both are keeping my emotions at bay, well for the most part, and I have met some incredibly strong, awesome women.  I am so grateful and wish I would have reached out earlier.  

After hearing from, not only a couple of friends, but from some of the girls in the support group talk so positively about Northern California Fertility Medical Center (N.C.F.M.C. or NorCal) I went ahead and checked them out.  Turns out not only were they cheaper (by half) but I loved that they are such a small group of doctors.  At Kaiser we felt like a number, like we had to ask all the questions and it cost us precious months and cycles.  When I found out you were assigned a "Nursing Coordinator" who walked you through the process I was sold.  We called and made an appointment right away.  We had to wait three months for that appt. but it was worth it.  The doctor was very informative and explained step by step what he was doing.  It was so refreshing.  After some repeat testing, that came out slightly elevated, but nothing the Doc is worried about (I hope that's true) we have made it to our present situation.  I was ready to move on to injectables only but our Doctor and my Hubby thought we should give NorCal a chance to do a Clomid IUI cycle with the increased dose of the Clomid.  So here we are,  hoping for the best, planning for the worst.  

Thanks for reading my story.  It really helps to get it out and I hope it can help you in some way.  

It's better to be LUCKY then GOOD~

~Not only a SMILEY but an IUI to boot~

So after my depression that I wasn't getting a "smiley" on my OPT I started to get so stressed.  I kept thinking; Did I miss it, Should I have started testing earlier in the week, Was I going to ovulate at all?  I tested 3 more times to no avail.  The circle was still empty inside.  We had an appt on Monday and I was preparing myself for a flopped cycle when I did my final OPT.  My heart skipped a beat when that smile popped up.  I couldn't believe it,  I had to test again, unfortunately I was all out of pee so I had to trust the first test.  YEAHHHHHH  finally!!
  

So, heading into our appt I was all giddy until I was on the table.  A rush of anxiety came over me.  What if I didn't develop a large enough follicle or what if I didn't produce a follicle at all?  Right at that moment it was like my Hubby read my mind.  He said, "Man this process is so hard on you ladies.  You go from good news, to no news, to bad news.  Such an emotional roller-coaster.  I am so sorry Hun."  It was so true, I walked into the office on top of the world and now I was low again.  Thankfully, this month there was a happy ending (so far).  Dr. A came in, did my ultrasound and what did she find??  FOLLICLES!  Big ones.  My body had not let me down this month and the nightmare of the Zombie Bitch was worth it (again, so far).  


So after a shot in the booty we were sent home till the morning.  That's where the "lucky" comes into my story.  I figured a little superstition couldn't hurt (hey I'm doing everything else) so I wore my lucky softball socks.  Picking the socks was the hardest decision yet.  My best softball game last year was also the game I broke my ankle. Is that good or bad?  I fretted about this for weeks now and couldn't make up my mind so finally, I just let my Hubby choose his favorite.  I figure at least if this IUI doesn't work I can blame Him and HIS sock choice HaaHaa HeeHee (a little ZB may still be lingering).  Now we are officially starting the dreaded two week wait.  Here we go.~

Can I get a smiley face PLEASE~

I officially HATE taking OPT's (ovulation predictor test).  I am already a mess from the CLOMID MONSTER and then I have to feel like even more of a failure every day I pee on that stupid stick!  I remember the first time I saw a "smiley face" on a digital OPT, you would have thought I'd won the lottery (or got a positive pregnancy test)  It was my first and last time and I LONG to see that smiley face again.  See, with this particular test after you pee on the stick the digital screen either shows you a empty circle or a circle with a smile in it.  How mean you are "Clear Blue Easy," oh but how fitting, no ovulation empty inside. Ovulation, all smiles.  Thankfully, I only have one more day of testing and no matter the outcome we truck ourselves down to the fertility clinic.  Hopefully the ultrasound will not leave me feeling like a failure.

Can I get one of these PLEASE

Break from the story for the CLOMID MONSTER

ZOMBIE BITCH~

Well I don't know if it's a good thing that this round of clomid is making me turn into a ZOMBIE BITCH or not but boy oh boy what a ride this last week had been.  People always said, "Oh your going on clomid, good luck", "I am not going near you for a while",  "I feel so bad for your husband".  My response was, "Oh it wasn't that bad, I felt fine.  Well not this time!!!  The first couple of days I was okay, just a space cadet.  I forgot my keys, my phone, I would have forgot my head if it wasn't attached.  Then the ZOMBIE BITCH (which from here on out I will refer to as ZB) came out.  I couldn't form sentences, all I wanted to do was lay in bed.  I felt SOOO overwhelmed.  My poor Hubby, of course got the brunt.  He asked if I could bring him his coffee and I flipped out.  I screamed that I couldn't handle it and he was asking too much of me.  WOW, what a crazy lady!  After screaming,  I threw an extension cord at his head, like a 3 year old and ran in the bedroom to cry.  What was taking over my body?  This was not me!!  Thankfully,  my amazing Hubby just apologized and hugged me.  He deserves a medal.  He apologized for asking me to bring him his drink, what a saint!  Thank goodness it was the weekend when the ZB was at it's height.  I don't think I could have dealt with clients on this junk.

Luckily, I spent the weekend with my Sister getting pampered for her birthday (I love when I get to enjoy the birthday present along with the BDAY girl).  We started the day with Honey-dips (an amazing spa service EVERYONE must try) and shampoo blow-dries.  Our blow-dries were quite interesting, in a bad way (being hairdressers I guess we are a little more picky) but we got a good laugh about it.  Basically, my Sister's hair/bangs were totally 90's out and my hair was a flat frizzy mess.  Next time we will skip the shampoo blow-dry unless it's someone we trust!  Next stop was a fun day in Old Sac.  I was able to distract my mind enough to enjoy the day.  Thank you Sister for helping me get through it, I love you so much.  I  don't know how I would deal with any of this without my Hubby and Family!   I am so blessed in so many ways and feel guilty being so sad because we can't  have a child.  I have to remember I am blessed and I need to focus on those blessings more.  BUTTTTT, can we please have a baby too!!!! :) 

I think the ZB is at bay (for now) so we are just focused on our IUI coming up.  Fingers crossed and hopefully we didn't go through the hell in vain.   

My Journey to Date......Chapter Two

~CHAPTER TWO~ The DEVIL Begins


WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY?  My mom warned me that I would have some cramping during my period but there was no warning that I would; Have so much pain I can barely stand, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, painful urination, fatigue, severe blood clots and did I mention PAIN!  Something was not right so off to the doctor we went.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis and even at a young age I knew  what affect that DEVIL disease had on the ability to have children.  A dear family member suffered with the same disease and I watched her month after month struggle to get pregnant.  Months turned into years and sadly, her story ended in a hysterectomy with no child in sight.  Deep down I just knew I was going to have a hard time conceiving, so much so that when I met my now Hubby I actually asked him if he would be open to infertility treatments.  Of course he thought I was crazy and assured me that we would be fine.  I started to believe him after awhile and I thought, "maybe we will be fine, I'm just being paranoid."  However,  just to be safe I never used any sort of birth-control.  Years went by and it became apparent that I was right.  My poor Husband, he hadn't realized (YET) that I was always right--wink wink-- unfortunately, I was right in this case, the one time I would give anything to be WRONG.  After years of trying on our own, including daily temperature monitoring and many OPK (ovulation predictor kits) tests, I suddenly gain an enormous amount of weight.  I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was wrong.  Most doctors told me that I just needed to workout and eat less, are you kidding me?  I work out 5-6 days a week and definitely don't eat enough to spontaneously gain 70 pounds.  I actually had a doctor use his fingers to simulate walking and say, "It is quite simple to lose weight, all you have to do it eat less and take a little walk".  Again, ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?  I went to the doctor in the first place because I had been bleeding for weeks and was concerned something serious was going on.  He never talked about what could be wrong, what other symptoms I was having, nothing.  He just told me my weight was affecting my periods.  I left the office feeling horrible about myself and not one question was answered about why I was bleeding.  As a women and a past anorexic, (That's a whole other story!) It was so hard to be judged on my weight, especially when I thought I was doing everything in my power to lose weight.  3 years and many sad, sleepless nights passed until we found the answer.... P.C.O.S (Poly-cystic-ovary syndrome)--- Whomp Whaaah--.. REALLY another obstacle in my baby making journey??  After shedding some crazy tears, it was time we sought help from a RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist).