Life always gets in the way

Hey Ohhhhhh~


      Well we have been on break from treatments for a while now and it SUCKS for lack of a better word.  We are saving for IVF and all the while I have been good with it but my Hubby is a little stressed to spend so much money for something that should be a natural gift.  I have always thought, it's just money, who cares but then my Hubby's stress made me think... YEAH what the HELL.... We work our butts off, pay our bills, taxes, etc and we have to pay thousands of dollars to have a baby when a irresponsible girl (I really want to say crack whore but i'm trying to contain myself) gets pregnant?  Money is just money to me, I don't care.  As long as I have my family and we can live comfortably I am happy but when I start to think that I could use that money we save to better our family and some irresponsible drug addict just gets pregnant to go on welfare, I start to get bitter!!
OK OK VENTING IS DONE!

      I truly have faith that we go through our trials for a reason and I am trying to stay strong but it has been a rough year (or 8 years).  About 3 weeks ago I tore my MCL in my left knee.  So far, luckily, I have not had to have surgery.  Because I'm having to take time off work here and there, we will definitely have to dip into our IVF funds we have saved.  I went through some rough thoughts but then I came across these family pictures....

It was my sister's BIRTHDAY and I put together a collection of pictures to celebrate her day.  Every sibling that was born I remember thinking, I cannot WAIT to do this.  Be pregnant... Be a mom.  What an amazing gift it is to be a mom!  I also came across my childhood diary and I found that I wrote about Alexie before she was born.  I said.. " I can't wait til Mom has the baby.  I can't wait to see what it's going to be.  I want to video the birth so I can know first and see how the baby comes out.  Whatever it is I can't wait to meet it." I couldn't believe I wrote this at such a young age.  I have wanted to be a mom for so long. It's not even just my memory but I actually wrote all about it in my diary.

From the moment my first sibling was born I couldn't wait to be pregnant, give birth. breast feed, and raise the miracle that a child is.  I have a friend that said "God would not give you those desires if He wasn't going to bless you with those experiences."  I hold on to that thought everyday! I can't wait for the day that I can experience those amazing things.  I try my hardest not to get bitter towards women who don't care about any of these experiences and are those who get to have babies.  I hold onto the fact that I will fight tooth and nail for the beautiful baby that will bless us one day.

Ornament Swap

~MY FIRST BLOGGER SWAP~


So I am new to the blogging world and this is my first blog swap of any kind...  It was awesome.  I was able to connect with two different amazing women, the one I gave to and the one I received from.  First, Cynthia is who I gave to.  It was so neat to read about her desire to travel, love of food, family, fur babies and Disneyland.  Her blog is full of passion and it was great to experience.  I went to three different stores looking for the perfect ornament.  I went back and forth between a couple but her love of the color green swayed me towards a beautiful green ornament with decorative twine.. Check out her blog and the ornament... http://livinginneverland-sandiego.blogspot.com/

Now on to the ornament I received..... My "gifter" was a wonderful woman named Colleen.  After reading her blog I was so inspired!  Colleen endured a hard childhood and rather than let her struggles bring her down, she found strength in God and now mentors children that struggle with the same hardships she encountered in her childhood.  Check her blog out.  It is such an inspiration.. http://www.colleensamantha.org/
So, I was so excited to see what she would pick out for me.. Honestly, however I was nervous (as many of you know) I am a bit of a control freak about (EVERYTHING) my Christmas tree so I was worried about a stranger picking out an ornament for me but she NAILED it!!!



I LOVE snowflakes



I LOVE sparkle




I LOVE it

  

Fits my tree perfectly!


This was a great experience and I hope to do many more swaps!! 

Not only was I able to connect with two amazing women but there were 200 blogs involved in the swap.  I'm still trying to check them all out.  What a great experience.... Thank you
Jessah@ http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/ &
Erin@ http://www.livinginyellow.com/



Crystal Marie~

My past has caught up to me~

Sorry I have  been MIA!!!

Has it really been two months since I've posted??? Ehhhh, where has the time gone.

Synopsis of my time away:


~Got another BFN the day after my dear friends funeral. (Not a good to day the least!)

~Was working like a MAD women.

~Almost had a major breakdown on MULTIPLE occasions.

~Went on vacation with my family for 7 WHOLE days right in the nick of time.

~My sister got engaged on said vacation.

~YEAHHHH something awesome to distract me from my "lack of" baby drama.

~Made a hard decision to go in different route in my journey...  Here's more about that...

So in order to explain my dilemma presently I need to explain my past issues.  As I briefly said in a past post I had an eating disorder for many years of my young life.  I suffered with anorexia but would also purge and take laxatives if I was forced to eat. I abused laxatives for many years so I had to increase the dose nightly for them to work.  At my worst I was up to 65 laxatives a night.  The worst part was I was barely eating enough in the first place so I completely messed up digestive system.  This went on for years.  Every night I would wake up with INTENSE pain.  My poor Mom would wake up to me rolling around on the floor crying.  She had no idea what was wrong with me and of course I didn't tell her.  (Oh my guilt for all I put my parents through.. Sorry Madre and Dad!!)  After finally getting help I stopped all the laxatives but the damage was done.  My digestion and BM's (bowel movements) were no longer working.  At one point I didn't have BM for 3 months!  That was a NIGHTMARE to say the least.  The problem with being in your early 20's and going to the doctor for issues you usually don't have till your 50's is THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

Even though I finally received a colonoscopy they basically said there was still evidence that I was taking laxatives (I had stopped 2 years prior but there was so much damage done it was still apparent, but of course they wouldn't believe me) so the medical advise was, I should stop taking laxatives and with time my digestion/BM's would get better.  Well that was 7 years ago and my issues are not much better.  I have always thought deep down that my "issues" contributed to not being able to get pregnant but I didn't know what I could do about it.  Western medicine just kept telling me to "wait it out", yeah OK I will just keep waiting to have BM's.  That's not uncomfortable or anything. 

After having YEARS of natural cycles and multiple IUI's that ended in BFN's we started talking about IVF.  I never really thought we would have to go this far but we have already spent thousands of dollars on IUI's and I was ready for our odds to go up with IVF.  Problem is IVF=MONEY!!! So the plan was to save save save.  In the mean time I was continuing to see my acupuncturist (Dr. C) and charting my temp's. 

Last month my temps were out of control and I had a talk with Dr. C about what could be going on.  We went into detail about my past history with the anorexia and the laxatives abuse.  He was concerned that I had some major "issues" built up in my intestines and it was causing my digestion to suffer.  It was really nice to hear that someone not only believed me that it was an issue but that he was ready to make a plan to fix it.  BUT...  it was also REALLY scary to think how much damage could really be in there and how long it's going to take to FIX it??  He suggested that we work on getting my digestion and my BM's back on track before we do IVF or even IUI for that matter. 

I left the office feeling validated but sad.  I could no longer be in denial about how much damage I had done.  I couldn't blame the doctors for not fixing me or believing me.  I had to start facing the fact that my actions could have contributed to why I am not a mom.  Of course I have some guilt that I am trying to let go of.  I know there is nothing I can do about it now but it is still so frustrating!  I feel sabotaged by my 13-22 year old self.  I hate that girl right now!  I wish I could lock her in her room and force her to eat!  Even as I write this I can't stop crying. 

As hard as this information was to hear and as much as I am trying to not beat myself up I am happy to have a plan.  A plan of attack!!!!  Dr. C has me on herbs and  I continue to see him weekly for treatment.  Even after one week of the new treatment my temp charts looked better so I am hopeful.  I hate the waiting game and wish we could do IVF tomorrow but not only do I trust that Dr. C's plan is the right one, we also don't have NEAR enough money yet.  So we save, we acupuncture and hopefully we peel back the layers of damage those evil laxatives did to my insides.  We shall see what the future holds...

Busy is Good!!

We had an IUI?? Where was I at?


So last month the TWW (Two week wait) was agonizing!  I read into every little thing my body did (I figured out my intestines move A LOT!).  Last month was also the first cycle I was put on progesterone so I had never felt all the side effects that progesterone causes.  This cycle I was prepared for that so I haven't been reading into every little thing my body does.

Another thing that helped is we were so stinking busy that our IUI's feel like a distant memory.  As I said in my last post my Grandpa passes away when our monitoring began and my salon had a huge event on the day of our first IUI.  Crazy week but it was a great distraction. 

 We have to get pregnant this time because Charlie picked our
"LUCKY SOCKS" 


His light eyes always make him look like a devil dog.. It's not even RED-eye it's  GREEN-eye



Ok here is the story...

We haven't had the best of luck with our lucky sock choices (Brent is not allowed to pick as he FAILED last month)  so I was re-thinking the whole "lucky socks" thing.  I actually hate wearing socks.  I have a large drawer full of socks because I always think they are so cute but I HATE wearing them.  My feet get claustrophobic what can I say.  Sooooo, I decided...

NO SOCKS= Lucky Cycle??

Friday morning we went in SOCK-LESS and had our first IUI.  Then we went home and our sweet little Charlie comes running to greet us with a pair of my socks in his month.  It was so funny!  I guess I should have asked him sooner HaaHaa!!



Good pick Charlie




Funny thing is these were the socks I wore during "my best" softball game last year but it was also the game I broke my ankle so I went back and forth last cycle about wearing them.  Charlie chose for me this cycle


I wore the "Lucky Socks" that Charlie chose to our second IUI on Saturday.  So we figured we've covered all the bases, socks and sock-less (if only making it work were that easy but every little bit helps, RIGHT??).  Hopefully Charlie isn't sabotaging our baby making because he wants to stay the baby.. hmmmm, I didn't really think of that.  Haahaa~

 

He's a cute baby that's for sure~

Next distraction.... HAIRWARS

Every year our salon competes in Hairwars, a local hair competition where the last salon standing wins advertising for the business.  It gets really intense.  Every salon comes up with a theme and you not only create some crazy hair but you coordinate the outfits, make-up, music and choreography (I head up the music, choreography and of course styling a couple of models).  We always put a lot of work into our show and every year we get better.  Soon we'll have it down to a science.

We also host a separate fashion show/fund raiser that benefits a local animal sanctuary (we are BIG animal lovers at our salon!!)  We have raffles, silent auctions, food, drinks and fun and all the proceeds go to the foundation. 

This year we decided to host our own HAIRWARS and combined that event with our yearly fund raiser.  We rented out a local country club and invited local salons to compete.  We gathered donations from local businesses and had vendors at the event.  It was a great success.  We definitely learned a lot and will do some tweaking next time to make it even better.  Over all it came down to the fund raiser and we raised OVER $4,000.00!

We donated all the proceeds to HARTSONG RANCH, an animal sanctuary where they believe every life is worth living.  They take in animals that are otherwise un-adoptable and give them a home.  It is an amazing organization to work with and I am so happy we were able to raise so much money for them.  Next year will be even more!!  

(Sorry some of the pics are a little grainy...)



It all started Monday when we did a mock HAIRWARS on the morning news show.  The theme was animals, can you guess what they are??



We did a ZOMBIE theme but it turned into sexy zombies, not scary




It is hard to see the hair detail but everyone looked great




The models were laughing at me bossing them around when I am like a child looking up at them..They are all so TALL




Everyone did a great job, STYLIST and MODELS



Thank goodness it is over and it all came together.  It is always so much work and we threaten to NEVER do it again but then a few months go by, we forget the pain and we start talking about our theme for the next one.  In fact I've already started thinking... Any suggestions???

Shots anyone??

I want the shot that gets me PREGNANT.. Not tipsy..

So we jumped right into another cycle but this time we went with an injectable cycle.  Gonal-F to be exact.  My nurse coordinator thought we had a "pen" of gonal-f and so she explained how to use that.  I felt super comfortable since my Hubby is a Type-1 Diabetic and he uses an insulin "pen" everyday.  All you do is dial the amount of  of meds you need and inject.  Simple, right? Well the first night we went to take the shot I opened our box and it was a couple vials and a variety of needles.  WHAT?  Where is the pen?  Still I wasn't that worried because Hubby takes "night" insulin that comes in a vial that he has to load in a needle so, he has no problems with this concept.  Our issue however was trying to determine what line to fill the meds to.  It had IU numbers but not on every line and of course not the number we needed.  Now it was getting late and I was supposed to take it at a certain time so I started to stress.  We were both panicking.  I didn't want to get too much, but I definitely wanted to make sure I got enough.  Finally, we came to our senses and divided the two numbers to find out what the number in between the lines was and it was what we needed, 112.5.  So after an eventful start to the shot party we figured it out and it was all downhill from there.

After 10 days of meds we went in for monitoring.  Like I said in my last post, it was some crazy timing with my Grandpa's passing but such is life.  Our first monitoring was the day of the family viewing.  Here is how the day went:

9 am- First monitoring appt... 3 follicles almost ready but not quite.  instructed to do one more dose of gonal-f and come back the next day. 

10 am- First client.  Hubby ran home to get my shot as I had forgotten it at home.

11am- Second client (Grandma, had to get her in to look extra pretty for the funeral)  Went in the back room to take my shot before I started Grams hair and I couldn't get all the medication out of the vial.  Again, panic set in and I started to freak out.  I was so worried the follicles weren't going to grow in time and I was going to mess up the cycle.  Hubby to the rescue (AGAIN).  I called him and told him what was going on and he came down and got all the medication out.  THANK GOODNESS!!  If we would had to open a new vial we would have wasted it.  It only last 30 days after opening so that would have been 600.00+ dollars down the drain. 

12-6 pm- Slammed with clients all day.

4 pm- Got a call from the fertility clinic and my blood test showed my estrogen levels were low so we needed to pick up a prescription for that night.

6 pm- Rushed to pick up Hubby..Rushed to pick up prescription... Rushed to family viewing. 

It was such a mix of emotions.  We are trying to get settled to get ready for the IUI but then I am faced with mourning the loss of my Grandpa.  It was a difficult time to say the least but there was also some comfort being around family and celebrating the life of my Grandpa.  Something about being out of my head and focusing on something other than fertility. 

The next day was our next monitoring and the day of my Grandpa's funeral.  The monitoring went great, 3 follicles.  2 on the right 1 on the left, all 18 mm.  Grandpa's funeral went really well too.  It was a really nice service.  We had lots of laughs and cries.  It was great to be around all my cousins and truly celebrate the life of our grandpa.

The day was not over.  All the cousins went and played games in honor of Grandpa but I had a HUGE salon event the next day and I was in charge of the food.  I conned my family into helping so it was off to my moms to make food for over 200 people.  We were at it till late into the night so our IUI the next morning was not on my mind to say the least. 

On to the Next....

New Outlook~

One of the amazing things about this journey is that you move from emotion to emotion in days, heck minutes.  One day you are mourning the results of a failed cycle and the next day you are shooting yourself up with hormones and trying not to throw things at your hubby.  Well such is my life these days and I am learning to deal with it.  I read an article that was helpful.  It basically said that there is a new study out, it shows that each fertility treatment that you have helps your body prepare for a positive cycle even if you have a negative cycle.  I LOVE this information!!  Whether it is true or not I am holding onto it.  It is so difficult to have a negative cycle in the first place, another month gone by without the joy of parenthood.  Then you add the financial loss and it is just a lot to handle.  This new bit of information gave me a new outlook.  Even if we have a failed cycle we are still working towards the ultimate goal and that failed cycle is still helping my body prepare for a positive cycle.  That's my attitude and I am sticking to it!  (At least today.. The ZB always seems to be lurking close by)


A Piece of my Heart Went to Heaven~


I did have other sad news this week that really brought a lot of emotions out.  My grandpa passed away last Thursday and even though he has been sick for a very long time, it was not welcoming news.  My grandpa suffered from Parkinson's for the last 12 years so he has not been the same grandpa that we were used to. 

The grandpa that would roll us in the pool in Grandma N's wheel chair, jump in to launch us off his shou.lders and then rate our dives off the waterfall

The grandpa that would teach us EVERY card game in the book but NEVER "let" us win.  We had to earn it and it made us all the better for it. 


The jokester that was always playing tricks on people whether he knew they would get mad or not.  He knew they couldn't stay mad for long and he would be ready for the retaliation. 


The hard working Grandpa that would alternate the days grand kids could go to work with him.  I'm sure we were more work than help but he never complained. 


I CHERISH those and so many other memories now more than ever!

One thing that never changed was his devotion to his wife, his family and his faith.  He LOVED and everyone felt it.  I am sad that my future child will never meet my amazing Grandpa on this Earth.  However, I have to believe that he is in Heaven rejoicing with family that have also passed and maybe, just maybe he is with our baby or babies looking down on us, sending us the faith we need to get through this Earthly life. 

You will be MISSED Grandpa but I know you are in a better place with a healthy body again, up to your old tricks I'm sure.

Not my favorite part of the Journey....

The one roller coaster I am SO not into~

I am sorry it has been a while since my last post but I have been trying to keep it together through the roller coaster that is IF.  I should have worked through my emotions by writing a post but every time I sat down to write I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Here's what has been happening~

Even though this is our second IUI this is the first time I was put on the wonderful hormone progesterone.  When I say wonderful I mean the most annoying thing EVER!  Ok that is a little over the top but I for sure dislike it intensely.  For those of you that are unfamiliar with progesterone, it is the hormone that increases after you ovulate.  It supports your lining so that your embryo has a nice thick lining to attach itself to.  At NCFMC (our fertility clinic) they put you on a progesterone suppository just in case you don't naturally produce enough progesterone to support a pregnancy.  Great! I love to have that extra support.  BUT... besides the fact that it is quite annoying to "take" (if you want to call it that, It was messy, lets just leave it at that)I HATE that it gave me every symptom of being prego.  Tender breast, fatigue, even nausea.  It was really hard to stay positive but not get too excited through the 17 days of waiting.  Even though my nurse told me to wait for the blood test I broke down and took a HPT (home pregnancy test) on day 14 and 15.  Both were negative so deep down I knew my blood test was going to be negative as well but I still had that glimmer of hope.  I had always said, once I have tender breast I will KNOW I am pregnant.  I have never had that symptom before "The Devil" so I just knew if i ever had it,  I would be pregnant.  Well, that was before progesterone.

I HAD A PLAN~

I was fully booked on Friday (the day of the blood test) so my plan was not to find out my results until the end of the day.  I was trying to avoid a breakdown at work.  It's one thing to have an office to cry in but when you have to actually work on people, a breakdown MUST be averted.  All was going according to plan until I received a message from my nurse coordinator stating I must call her back before 4 or I would not be able to talk to her till Monday.  So, reluctantly, I called her while mixing up my clients color and received the sad news.  A BIG FAT NEGATIVE!  It was obviously not the news I was hoping for and getting it at work made it a million times worse.  Thankfully I was working on an amazing client that knew what was going on and was so supportive.  She of course offered to come back another time but I decided to stick it out and finish the day.  So my plan didn't work at all but what plan ever does in this IF journey.